The man who speaks the truth was kind enough to give me something to blog about this morning. Hopefully he was joking, but he left me a comment in the old Avril thread to the effect of “Avril sucks, but then so does my spelling.” So let’s take a look at his comment, and have some fun.

First sentence: “Avril u suck ur fake and u almost go rite gainst what u promote.”

• When making a list, it is important to seperate each item with a comma. The last item may include a comma as well, but it is not required.
• When you type “u”, you mean “you”.
• “ur” is spelled “you are” or even “you’re”.
• “rite” is “right” (well, “rite” is wrong, but “right” is correct
• Really, Avril promotes herself, so she’s not going against that.
• Since the place you posted this is my public forum, and not Avril’s, it’s a bit odd that you addressed your rant to Avril herself. I doubt that she reads my blog. If she does, I don’t think she’s likely to be intimidated by your scathing remarks.

Second sentence: “BS that u write ur own songs we know it I think its time that u confess to it. ”

• If you had properly punctuated, this crime against grammer would be called a comma splice. Since you didn’t, it’s just sort of a double-run-on-plus-incomplete-sentence. Really, this needs to be three seperate thoughts.
• The first thought is an incomplete sentence. Apparently BS is the subject, but there is no verb. Your sentence needs an “action word” to be a complete thought.
• In the third proto-sentence here, you express your wish for her to “confess to it”. Confessing to a song is a tough thing to do, perhaps she should just “confess it”?
• More to the point, do you want her to confess that she writes her own songs?
• Who is we in this sentence?

Third sentence: “The only reason that u are famous is because they needed an ANTI BIRTNY NOTING ELSE”

• Who is they? Is there a massive ANTI BIRTNY conspiracy that has put Avril into the musically powerful position that she now holds? It seems that you, Mr. The man, hold the secret to this vast right wing agenda… What is the answer though?
• And who is BIRTNY? Bert and Ernie? If we were to combine BIRTNY with ANTI BIRTNY, would we be able to solve California’s energy crisis, once and for all?
• Oh, wait. I think I may have misunderstood. Based on Mr. The man’s capitalization, I think the actual item in question may be more accurately described as “ANTI BIRTNY NOTING ELSE”. Whatever this item is, it is certainly a secret of massive power… Perhaps we should send in Lara Croft to recover it.

Fourth Sentence: “I tried to give u a try soo I go to ur ****ing concert and u ur **** ur voice sooo weak..

• “I tried to give you a try“. Hehe, alert the country music people, we have a new starlette on our hands.
• “so” only has one “o” in it.
• Does your mother know that you use language like this?
• If you went to her concert, I think the joke is on you. While I personally like several of her songs, you apparently like none of Avril’s music. What would posses you to go to a concert for an artist that you feel this way about?
• Earlier you used the symbol “ur” to denote “you are”. Since that is phonetically logical, I didn’t give it too much thought. Now you’re using it in place of “your” though. Your is the possive form of you… You need another symbol, so that your readers are not confused. Perhaps y-o-u-r would be a good choice. It seems to have a fairly universal understood meaning within the English speaking community, so you’ll find it more too your liking.
• Did you post this comment from a mobile phone? I suppose that if you were using a nine key keyboard, this method of spelling might make more sense…

Fifth Sentence: “I was giving ur “band” more credit then u So dont back to B.C canada ur just notihng to me and the music industry.

• Once again, please choose one meaning per symbol that you use on my blog. Ur confusing me with ur misuse of ur own language subset.
• Why did you put band in quotes? Is her musical accompaniment not a band? You spelled it correctly, oddly enough, so you can’t be flagging an alternate spelling that you prefer…
• This is really three sentences, at least. It needs to be divided between “u” and “So”. It should also be divided between “canada” and “ur”.
• I assume that when you say “don’t” you mean “go”. Again your choice of symbols is perplexing.
• Avril is from Napanee, Ontario. At least, I assume that you were referring to British Columbia when you wrote “B.C”. When using first initials of something, it is customary to place a period after each letter.
• Looking past your blatant mispelling of “nothing”, I can assume from the last proto-sentence here that you are a spokesperson for the music industry, as well as yourself, since you are able to justly assert that Avril means nothing to the music industry. Excellent. While you’re here Mr. Music Industry, perhaps you can explain your pricing policy, Clear Channel, and why Sir Mixalot isn’t making any new albums?
• I think this answers my question of who the “we” you were referring to is. It’s you and the music industry! Cleared that one up.

Yeah, I spent way too much time responding to this angst-ridden, language impaired middle schooler, but it was fun. I just got on a roll. So, Anthony, sorry, but you’re the weakest link, you’ve been voted off the island, and your record deal is cancelled. (: