Sometimes life rolls along smoothly. Sometimes it gets bumpy. I am not saying anything that is new to anyone. But right now is definitely one of the bumpy times. Sometimes the flaws in my life are far more obvious to me. Sometimes I get caught up in the things I don’t have. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t any purpose or any place. Sometimes I feel like there isn’t a whole lot of reason to keep looking forward. Sometimes I feel un-needed, even after I have been reassured that that isn’t true. Sometimes I wonder what purpose I am serving by being here. Sometimes I can’t seem to hear Him even though I am trying so hard. Sometimes I can’t see past my own thoughts. Sometimes I need help. Sometimes people offer to help by asking me what I feel I need. Most of the time, I don’t know the right answer.
Monthly Archives: December 2003
Today our pet hampster died, and its death caused me to reflect on death and the way I see it. Some people may think of me differently after this post, but when have I ever let that stop me?
In my personal opinion I have a “gift” for knowing Death when I see it. I can remember being a little girl and telling my mom that something or someone was going to die. And it always happened. Every time. I can’t “predict” sudden, unexpected death the way I can sense when something is ill enough to die. I remember having a pet rabbit who broke its back I could see its face and I could see the pain it was in. I told my mother that the rabbit will live for as long as I was willing to feed it. That the animal hadn’t given up, and that he wouldn’t die on his own. At least not immediately. But the little thing was in pain, and I took it to the vet and had it put down. Another time, I went downstairs to visit another one of my pet rabbits, Isabelle. I put my hand on her, and immediately ran upstairs to my mother “Isabelle is going to die this week,” I said. I told my mother not to tell my dad. He loved that rabbit and I didn’t want him to be upset, especially if there was a chance I was wrong. My mom always took me seriously in these matters and she cried a little and promised not to tell my dad. I woke up the next morning to my dad’s startled shout. I rolled over and put my face in my pillow and cried because I knew my rabbit was dead.
I have worked at vet clinics since I was 15, and up until I got married. I always told the doctors when something would die. The funny thing is, you’d expect them to believe me too, but they rarely did. I guess they assumed they knew more about the illness than I did. And that is true. Eventually they began to take me seriously because I was never wrong.
I had numerous pet birds when I was growing up. Some were wild, that I had found injured or babies that had fallen from their nests, others were domestic birds like parakeets, canaries and finches. I always knew when those would die too. Although I never stopped trying to save them or make them comfortable “just in case I was wrong” but I always knew I wasn’t.
About 2 years ago my mom’s friend Gina asked me to come over and see her canary. It wasn’t acting right, and she wanted to know if there was anything I could do. I went over there, and observed the bird. He seemed fine, but wasn’t standing right. I told her that it had had a stroke and that it was going to die of starvation, since it had forgotten how to eat. She took it to the vet. It did, and it did.
I visited my parents for my birthday this past July. My dog (the love of my life; he lives with my parents) injured his foreleg. He was limping badly, and my mom begged me to look at it. I found a small fatty lump up near his elbow and told my mom that there was something wrong with the leg. And that the lump concerned me, I told her that that lump was probably harmless, but that something else was going on. She took Pfeiffer to the vet. The lump was harmless, but the dog has cancer. Whether he will live or not, I try not to let myself “see” what will happen. I love Pfeiffer more than anything, and I am trying hard not to “know.”
It isn’t just animals that affect me this way, I have done it with people too…many times. Although, they usually take longer to die than I say they will. I suspect it is because we go through greater lengths to extend a person’s life than we do an animal’s. If left alone, I often wonder if that person would have died sooner, when I felt they would.
I can’t say things haven’t died without me knowing. They have. But alot of the time, they don’t. I do get caught by surprise sometimes, and again, I can’t “know” an animal is going to die if they get hit by a car. Or if the death isn’t immediately at hand. Usually I don’t “know” such things if I haven’t seen the animal before it dies.
Today I sat at my computer, happily browsing the day away. All the sudden I thought to myself “Go, look at the hampster. He is dead now.” And it was true. The funny thing is, I never pay any attention to the hampster. He is across the room from me and his cage is placed on our entertainment center which is pretty high up, and makes in inconvenient for me to observe him. Also, I have been rather turned off by the hampster since he killed and ate his brother. Ew.
But aside from all that. I find death fascinating. I have often wished I had pursued a career in forensic science. No, I don’t watch whatever TV show it is that is so popular and deals with forensics and makes EVERYONE wish they were into forensics too. It has always been an honest whole-hearted interest rather than a trend for me. One of my favorite jobs when I worked at the vet clinics was to sew up the perviously autopsied patients. I guess it is a law, at least in Michigan that once autopsied the carcass has to be sewn closed again. It was a great time to practice my stitches and I loved it. My dad works in hospitals alot. Sometimes he comes home and tells me about what he saw while installing a sound system down in the morgue. I loved those stories, and hearing details about how people bloat, how they smell, what their feet look like, etc. It might sound sick to some, but is it very intriguing for me. And personally I don’t see anything wrong with my infatuation.
Whether or not my “talent” for knowing death is an actual ability…like a 6th sense…or just me being increasingly sensitive to such things (which I think is most likely). I have seen ALOT more death than the average person will EVER see. I don’t know why I am this way. I don’t even care. In some ways I like knowing these things so I can mentally prepare for them ahead of time and say my goodbyes. Other times, I am afraid of knowing. Like in Pfeiffer’s case. It is, what it is though, and I doubt I would change that in me…even if I could.
I ran a virus scan on my work PC today. I had exactly 72,000 files on the computer at that time. Useless random information, but interesting nonetheless.
Melissa and I learned that right about now is the time that our child should be finished (or nearly so) with the generation of all internal organs. From this point on, most of the development will be growth and fine feature refinement. Such a wonderful thing, the development of a child in his mother’s womb. Praise God for His miraculous creation.
Took a long time to get into work today, since there are 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. Average number of foolish people out on the roads. It does look beautiful out there though.
I heard the most wonderful thing on the radio. Well, actually, it was horrible, but at least they said it right. The AP news wire had a 20 second blurb about a HOMICIDE bomber who attacked a Russian train recently. Finally, someone got the verbage right. These people are criminals. It’s not important that they also die in the crime. What’s important to me is all the people who are killed by their indiscretion.